the question of my life

the question of my life lately is “well, what do you WANT to do?” (insert eye roll because by 35, don’t most people have this figured out?!)

such a funny question. i have two answers. one is the one i tell people. the other is a secret that isn’t going to be a secret for much longer, once i write it out on this post. both are true, just one is more desirable to me.

The answer I tell people is I want to go to grad school. Probably study public health, to study maternal and child health. I’d like to work with women and children, help people, maybe work at the organizational level to some degree. Some day, I’d like to join the peace corps to work in development/policy/health care/birth. This answer never surprises anyone.

My other answer is I want to do nothing (nothing as in an actual profession). I want to be nothing more than what I am. Unfortunately that doesn’t pay me a penny at the moment. I want to write and write and write some more. Let me rephrase that. I HAVE to write. I want to help people be healthy. I want to be home when my kids come home from school. To have fresh muffins for a snack when they get home. To grow things and teach my kids about the world and life. I would like to be able to go to their concerts, sporting events and parent-teacher conferences without permission from my employer to do so. I want to be able to have my sanity so I can actually be a good mom, friend, sister, and of course, good to myself. I don’t know how I to do both.

As a single mom of four kids, life is BUSY. Finding the time to do all the things that have to be done is hard enough when you are home, but even worse when you are gone 45-50 hours a week at work. I know people do this all over the world. Some people do even more if they work two jobs. My anxiety seriously kicks in when people want to know what I want to do because do I give them the real answer that is true, or the one that sounds really good? The anxiety goes crazy when I think about not being here for my kids before and after school. My oldest son asks how it is that I don’t watch tv during the day because I have seven hours. (obviously he does not).

I never thought I would be a single mom again. The idea of it didn’t scare me, but it just didn’t occur to me that it would happen. I know how I ‘did it’ when I was working full time and managing all the housework and kids’ schedules and such, but I’m wondering how other single parents do it.

How do you balance all of that all by yourself without losing yourself and your mind? I’m currently losing my sanity. I feel like I’m stretched thin. Work 40 hours. Commute almost 10 hours a week. I’m really not doing it. People want to know, how I do it. My answer? I HAVE NO IDEA. Don’t think about it. It’s way more manageable that way. Or drink wine. I have some wine and don’t think about it. Sometimes being a feeling person, the world is overwhelming. I can’t shut that off. I’m learning how to mitigate those feelings though, so I can appreciate how I am as a gift, and not a curse that keeps me from functioning.

 

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