It’s coming up two years since the divorce was finalized. I used to call it “my divorce,” but I’ve stopped saying that and am now calling it “the divorce” because it’s not mine and it doesn’t define me. For a while, it was the thing that consumed me almost as much as being a mom did. Divorce sucks and with all of the draining legalities, comes a whole different set of things you go through.
While I was going through the process of the divorce, I googled often. I looked for blogs, real people who were willing to talk about divorce and how, yes, this is quite possibly the worst thing in the world, but here are some tips to get through this alive, well and MAYBE, happy. Divorce is like an earthquake. It shakes every part of your life up, some things shatter, some are slightly damaged and some things seem to be just fine. Some things even come out stronger as you rebuild and you realize there might be a better way to do something as you re-build.
If you have kids, the divorce is never really over. You are connected to that person for the rest of your life. Even though I’m out of the darkness of the separation and the divorce, there are still things that come up and I think having a place to go to discuss that is important.
I’ve had it with lawyers, I’m not a lawyer and I have zero interest in discussing legal ‘stuff’ here. I’m not an expert so anything I write is from my own experience and my own heart. I am not a proponent of divorce necessarily, but I’m also not totally against it as it does serve a very good purpose for many wonderful people. I simply want to offer this as a place to come so you don’t feel like you’re alone in your journey and people are going through it all over the world, every single day. We don’t have to feel alone or like no one understands.
There was a time that I would never have guessed I would be where I am now. I cried often and my life was a scary disaster. There were so many unknowns. The divorce seemed to have no end in sight and all I could do was focus on my kids. I was very much in survival mode. Stress was high and I did not have time to read a million blogs to find the one I could relate to.
Divorce is a scary, upsetting time. The only guarantee I have is that it DOES GET BETTER. You cry less often and the crying doesn’t last as long. Every day you find yourself a little stronger and it’s okay if one day is absolutely awful. We always have tomorrow to do better. When tomorrow seemed too far away, i tried to be better than I was earlier that day. I vowed to always do my best and sometimes my best was really, really amazing and other days, my best was hardly my best, and other times, I pretty much sucked at life.
Almost two years after the divorce was finalized, I can barely believe how much my life has changed. In the last year, I have lost a job I loved, been unemployed, found a job I thought I’d love, quit that to focus on my health and healing my anxiety and C-PTSD (we’ll get to that in a coming post) and to write and work on becoming a freelance writer (this makes me feel VERY content and relieved and motivated).
I never cry anymore. Well, not about the divorce and my family being turned upside down, anyway. I cry because the anxiety gets to be too much. I want to cry when I’m suddenly nauseous and throwing up because an invisible trigger somewhere around me triggers the PTSD. I cry when I am absolutely frustrated and feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. There are a lot of times I just WANT to cry, but I don’t because I feel like I have to hold it together.
Because I do have to hold it together. For my kids.
And besides, I have a lot of people to prove wrong.